Weird Science

The heartbreak of sauriasis

"Sir -- A panic call was made on a Friday afternoon for the infectious disease team to come immediately to the Tumor Ward... The patient looked frightened, but less so than the attending physician, residents and nurses who were pointing to an emesis basin containing a slightly macerated, 20-cm object that resembled a lizard. The beast had just been regurgitated by the patient, which convinced the physicians that the cause of the patient's febrility was clear at last: infestation by lizards. A computer search of the literature failed to reveal either prior experience with or thereapy for invasive disease due to lizards ("sauriasis"). Pathological examinations revealed the object to be a blood clot, undoubtedly due to the epistaxis that the patient had had for 3 days.

On services where the immunocompromised are cared for, there are a plethora of infectious symptomatology, a dearth of evident cause, and a willingness all too often to suspend disbelief... Fortunately, lizards have not yet joined the host of exotic pathogens that cause human infection in the immunocompromised patient. We must apparently wait for the next generation before the 'heartbreak of sauriasis' becomes a documented reality. (Signed) Michael Giladi, Jeffrey Carr and Lamar Johnson of the UCLC School of Medicine." (Journal of Infectious Disease, 1992)

Wooly Boolean

(Book review for -- drum roll -- Robots for Shearing Sheep:)

"During the first 21 years for my life I often chased reluctant sheep at shearing time on a remote farm in Devon, and I have recently spent 18 months working on an exhibition of Japanese industrial robots for the Science Museum of London. Even so, I found it difficult to take Robots for Shearing Sheep seriously because of the unintentional humor of the illustrations. The name 'shear magic' given to the Mark II shearing robot described in the book and the casual style of the text, liberally embroidered with anecdotes, could lead inexperienced readers to wonder if their legs were being pulled. We are told, for example, that, after many failed attempts to make a sheep bleat while trussed to a shearing table, one of the research team lay on the table impersonating the animals. [CJ's note: This is the image to think of next time one's supervisor requests from one a difficult or demeaning task.] It transpires that this had a serious intent -- to determine if the vibrations caused by a sheep protesting during robotic shearing would confuse the robot's sensor elements.

Once the initial amusement fades, we find a book with important stories to tell. It is as much a case study of the rise and fall of a technically ambitious Australian research project as it is about robot technology. You will learn as much about sheep, the wool industry and Australian research funding policies as about robots : the world shearing record using hand blades, set by Jack Howe at the Alice Down Station in 1891 is 321 sheep in 7 hours 40 minutes." (New Scientist, 1992)

Wallaby Water Ballet

"For those of you waiting breathlessly for the answer to this burning biological questions, yes, it is true. Kangaroos can swim. But how do they do it? After all, when the mighty marsupials hop, they use their legs in tandem, much like a pair of pogo sticks or a couple of booster rockets.

George Wilson of the Australian Department of Primary Industries has the answer. After encouraging a few kangaroos to take a dip in a swimming pool and filming the results from underwater, he discovered that they use their legs independently. And for extra propulsion they use their tails like a giant flipper. So much for their legs, but what about their arms? What is the kangaroo's preferred stroke? The Australian crawl?"

[CJ: How does one go about "encouraging" a kangaroo to get into a pool? Isn't it something that the RSPCA should be interested in? And what the hell is the Department of Primary Industries, and why does it have swimming pools available to shove unsuspecting marsupials into?]

[Someone suggested a springboard. Honey, they'd land in THAILAND. No, I think it was just plain old strong arm tactics -- "Sink or swim, Bobby... No arm floats for you, Matilda" as the squawking herbivores are heaved into the deep end like pouches of wet cement.]

Twinkle, twinkee

Morose thought engendered by appearance of Twinkee "Super Snak Pak" in upstairs vending machine: What's the use of working at a biotech firm if you don't personally have access to a centrifuge?

Raining carps and dogs

"Fish breeder Gary Herbert of Walthamstow, London, has discovered a new and unwelcome effect of chemical pollution in water. It makes fish explode.

He had noticed that his Koi carp, worth up to one thousand pounds each, were not looking well some weeks ago. Their scales looked unhealthy, and they began to swell.

Then, as he was watching them swimming around one day last month, they suddenly started to blow up. Pond and garden became a scene of carnage as thousands of pounds worth of exploding carp showered around the horrified Herbert.

Analysis of the pond water showed a high acid content, probably caused by chemicals finding their way into the pond."

It's raining, it's pouring, the carp are imploding...

Tampering with God's domain again

...Maybe I'll just get some chips from the vending machine down the Scary Hall. Oh, but there's a new stain on the floor there -- a horrid, crunchy crystal-blue stain, as if the recombinant blue curacao experiment went terribly awry. "That otter-pop is alive, ALIVE!"

Peril in every direction...

Sleeping beauty

"I overheard a senior anaesthestist give this advice to a young member of his staff. Do not, he said, marry a beautiful girl until you have seen her under the influence of an anaesthetic. If she remains lovely, her beauty is only skin deep and will quickly fade. If, on the other hand, she appears ugly, then her beauty is due to personality, character and charm. She will remain beautiful until the end of her days." (Lancet, 6/26/91)

Moral of the story: Neve date an anaesthesiologist, unless you want to be chloroformed during the aperitifs.

The 5,000 fingers of Dr. Dicke

We've been amusing ourselves with a book requested via interlibrary loan for a VP -- A Manual of Reflexive Connective Tissue Massage -- written by the formidable-looking Frau Elisabeth Dicke. You'd be surprised what Frau Dicke thinks can be cured using connective tissue massage. Asthma ("as soon as spontaneous breathing starts, we tug on the leg"), myocardial infarctions (I don't care how good a masseuse you are, it is NOT going to relax me that much), cessation of lactation (our good lady alleges that when mothers are too fearful and are spending too much time in air-raid shelters, their milk dries up. "Women using this therapy have experienced such a resurgence of flow that they have had to carry their breasts in their hands" -- NOT a selling point, Frau Dicke!).